vulnerability begins with vulnerability.
this has been a common refrain of mine in life.
vulnerability is the shovel which allows us to create deeper relationships.
however, shovels don't just shovel. they require action. vulnerability requires us-- fully.
you may be asking yourself: "why is Brie talking about shovels semi-cryptically?". valid question.
well, for pretty much the first time (save all those song writing, emotionally booty-calling lads) I am in a relationship.
let me give you a moment to let that shock pass. i know. i still wake up every morning surprised (in the best way).
Let me rephrase: for the first time, I am both loving fully & being loved fully. (you deserve both)
something being loved by him has shown me: allowing someone to love you is not passive.
passively allowing someone to love you is like having someone hug a wall in front of you. you know they're hugging it-- you see it, but you'll never feel the embrace.
despite what you may have been told-- or what you tell yourself-- you are not your walls.
deep breath. vulnerability begins with vulnerability, right?
i'm in a rough patch. ever think your demons have long since left?.. until you realize they weren't a rock you flung far into the horizon-- but a boomerang. the harder you threw it, the harder it came back.
well, my friends, I threw my demons hard. & they came back just as hard. maybe harder, just to show off. because they decided to revisit, I temporarily dropped out of college, had to leave my dream job, left my friends & moved back home.
we don't get to decide when we're humbled.
there are so many things we don't get to decide. so many things just happen to us. no matter how much you disagree, regardless of the soundness of your case, sometimes life just doesn't listen. you shout with all the air your tiring lungs can hold to defend yourself. your voice grows coarse-- meanwhile life seems to grow louder. there are few areas we get control over. actually, there's only one that I've found: our response.
the hardest decision I've made in this whole thing is the decision to be seen.. the decision to fight the voice that gives you permission to sink into the black hole forming within you.. the decision to explain (or attempt to explain) the blender-esque mess which is you.
with erik, my swede, sometimes the only way I could be seen was by literally not leaving. choosing to stay. even though every fiber of your being says-- 'flee'-- stay. being seen doesn't always mean you're understood. being seen means you're not alone.
& you are not the same once you have been seen. people often ask me when I knew I was in love with him. in retrospect, i remember the exact moment.
in Barcelona, on the night we met, we were sitting by the ocean at like 4 in the morning. I was sharing something about myself & I looked up to meet his eyes. before, when I looked in guys' eyes, I could tell they were looking for their reflection in my eyes... they were searching for what I could give them-- maybe subconsciously, maybe intentionally. when he looked in my eyes though, he wasn't searching for himself-- he was simply & deeply looking at me. searching me for more of me. that, looking back, was the moment I was in love. being seen. being fully seen.
once you lay yourself on the line-- shadows & all-- vulnerable to the great what is, you are terrified. absolutely terrified. yet you are free. friend, it is better to be accepted for all of you, including the pieces of yourself that you are too ashamed of to utter into existence, than to be accepted for the mask you've spent years crafting. even if that mask is beautiful. you were created for more. you are worth that. you are worth that. you are worth that.
sometimes I don't want to tell erik the reason I'm not looking him in the eyes. but I do. even when I feel like an idiot or ashamed or afraid or disgusted in myself, I allow him to see all of me. I do this because he is worth it, because I am worth it & because experiencing love fully is worth it. you cannot be loved fully if you are half seen.
erik has seen me at my literal lowest. I asked him-- earnestly, humbly & truly-- do you still love me... like this? he responded: "especially now". that's love. that's being seen. that's what participating in the wild of dance of life is.
being seen isn't exclusive to romantic relationships. I've had to work incredibly hard to allow my friends to see me.. to allow my family to see me. I promise you-- being accepted for all of who you are is worth the risk of exposing yourself. & that's coming from me-- a current college dropout living at her parent's house, dating the love of her life from 4,302 miles away.
friend, you are worth being seen-- quirks, shortcomings, fears, triumphs & all.
so here's the plea I have for you (& for me)---
when you're celebrating: allow yourself to be seen.
when you are grieving: allow yourself to be seen.
when you are in pain: allow yourself to be seen.
when you don't know what's happening in yourself: allow yourself to be seen.
just as you are. just where you are.
we are created to be connected.
grow into what you were created to be.
nourish yourself with vulnerability.
honor yourself by being seen.
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