photos by the lovely Jennifer Talesman
if you have a heartbeat, there are a few experiences that will inevitably enter the scene to meet you: dancing with someone you love, eating the best meal of your life, one of the Fast & the Furious (no one escapes without being hit in the face with Vin Diesel at least once) & being hurt by someone.
no one gets through life without being hurt by another heart– we’re a bunch of jagged-edged hearts doing our best, after all… hurting eachother & loving eachother & making eachother laugh & making eachother cry. us humans have a lot of power (which i wrote about once: I Wrote This While I Was Hurting ) I’m not going to expand upon that truth here. What i want to talk about is our response to being hurt. sometimes i think how we handle being hurt has just as much power as being hurt in the first place. i’m not an organized, bullet point person, but i think there are actually steps to this– so here comes an actual layout!
i recently went through some hurt– the kind of hurt that collides with you as you turn the street corner, ya know? i’ve been hurt in similar ways before, but this time, i wanted to handle it with grace. so here are some lessons & steps i took that might help you as you grapple & dance with your hurt / who caused your hurt.
time spent alone: (i am still so proud that i have numbered points) this step is important. sit & be. think everything through– the steps you & the other person took to get where you are. trace them as an outside observer– don’t judge, dissect or analyze them.. just watch the walk you both took. let yourself feel what you need to while you watch. have this in the back of your mind while you watch from start to end– this will be the last time i revisit this walk. watch it fully & know that you won’t allow yourself to go back again. you won’t go back to judge the times you tripped on pride or the other person tripped you with selfishness. you will watch the trek you took, & you will leave it behind.take time to pray, take time to be still, take time to consider what you want conveyed.
forgive before you meet: this is for those who are going to have a conversation with that person– which i believe is necessary. both of you deserve confrontation– as uncomfortable as it is & with how little sleep you’ll get the night before. this is important: before you meet, forgive the other person. not just as the word. look at everything they did in the face, feel the weight of it, feel the hurt of it. now pan out… let the perspective of the world greet you & leave you with a sense of grace to give. life is so very short, & we only get so many chances. time is limited– spend it forgiving & love relentlessly.the point here is that you have to enter the conversation out of a place of love & grace. i know you have perfect one-liners that would land so well. i’m sure what you could say is valid & true. i had them, trust me. i am nothing if not a sassy, passionate italian who loves words. words can build up & completely dismantle a person. here’s the thing: if you hit that person with those words, they are coming out of a place of selfishness so that you can feel good. which is natural & valid, but does it make us any better than what the person who hurt you did? what separates it? often, an excuse they will have for hurting you is having previously been hurt. i will never discredit someone’s hurt, but being hurt in the past will never be an excuse for hurting someone else. a note for you– don’t repay hurt with hurt: make the cycle of reciprocated, transmitted pain end with you. be better than what has been done to you. i try to ask myself: “if Jesus were in this situation, how would He react?”. then i remember the most unbelievable words– “forgive them, for they know not what they do”. i have no right to keep to myself what has been freely & undeservedly given. give it away & feel the freedom & lightness that will follow. forgive before you meet. let your words be rooted in love & a hope for a better cycle. treat them the way you should have been treated. turn the other cheek– it takes humility.. it takes sacrificing feeling a step up, but there are such beautiful pieces of life that you can only see from the vantage point of a turned cheek.
seek to understand rather than to be understood: this is something my father always said to me growing up. this is a part of the motion of turning your cheek. listen to the one that hurt you. there are situations where we are plain wronged– there’s not if ands or buts about it. many times, the truth is somewhere in the middle, but i will never discredit that there are circumstances where we are undeniably wronged, simply because selfish intent won. even still- seek to understand the one who hurt you. try to understand why they did what they did. this does not mean we excuse it, but we can at least have some peace of mind if we have some understanding as to why.it really does take a lot to sit in front of someone & see, hear, feel the pain you caused them. try to understand & appreciate that.
speak with determined grace: it’s important to say everything you need to say. the volume at which you say it does not equate the volume in which it will reach the other person’s heart. speak your hurt with grace– a grace unwavering. you know the truth of the matter– speak it. don’t be undermined, don’t swerve from saying what needs to be said, but let it all come from a place of love & not self-gratifying intent. slow down, taste each word– does it have the flavor of rectifying what has been broken? this conversation should liberate you. it might sting, but you deserve to say it all. for your sake- but also for the sake of the other person. you can be convicting while still having compassion.speaking with grace does not mean skipping things or softening what happened. be honest– your pain can not be discredited. stand up for yourself. truth will probably sting them, but that’s not your fault. that’s a part of sowing what you reap. speaking with maturity & composure will have much more of an affect than aggression. allow your words to resonate; allow them to have the affect they deserve. speak with grace– but speak with determination of standing up for yourself.
end with encouragement: this will probably be the most difficult part, but it will also probably be the most impactful. chances are, the person who hurt you has never experienced being encouraged by the one they hurt. tell them that they’re better than what they did. they are not defined by what they did to hurt you, just as you are not defined by the way you have been treated. they are capable of doing better. you don’t have to do a whole sermon here, but leave them with something sweet that will linger as the aftertaste of such a crappy situation.
being hurt sucks. no one deserves it, and i’m sorry you are feeling hurt. you will more than likely still feel stings after this conversation, but there will be another feeling there amidst the mess: the feeling of liberation. with liberation comes a sense of freedom.
you stood up for yourself– you confronted what hurt you. that’s brave. that’s big. celebrate it. take a moment to be proud of yourself. this is where the healing starts; you just cleaned out the wound. go buy some cake, go to a movie, go get a nice dinner. treat yo’ self. blast Yonce. smile. or cry. or both.
this is the next step: have grace on yourself. just because you talked to that person does not mean the anger & hurt disappear. love yourself anyways. my mantra in life is, “stay wild”. life is a daring adventure. you keep your jagged & soft heart open even when it’s treated with recklessly. you partake in this one chaotic dance. you recall the beauty of all that is to come. you look at the wild unknown & say, “i cannot wait to meet you. oh the stories we will have.. there aren’t enough empty pages to hold them all”. this person who hurt you is one person. there is more, there is more, there is more- this the chorus of my heart beat.
stay wild, my friends. keep loving with complete abandon. let hurt teach you what it has to teach you. forgive– but don’t forget what you learned. give thanks.. there is always, always something to give thanks for. even if daily bread comes as crumbs. savor the crumbs & look forward to the Day that there will be a feast.
you are loved. you are capable. you are an untamed soul with much more to do.
even still, no man or woman or hurt can steal your daring heart. even still, keep it beating.
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