i’ve been in a really rough patch. the past week has been really awful.
i’ve sat in a deep sadness i haven’t been completely able to place.
frustratingly & wonderfully, i am always thinking, so i’m always learning something from life. i was talking to a friend recently who was experiencing the same thing, & she said, “i just need to get through it & over it”. something hit a chord in me. i don’t know that that’s true– which seems counter-intuitive. sadness = bad emotion. we don’t want a bad emotion bombarding our lives… but what if we were to embrace sadness & treat it kindly? what could sadness teach us that happiness could not?
i think that’s the point of this ramble– embracing times of sadness & the great importance of the in-between moments.
i want to make a clear distinction: there is sadness & there is depression. if you are experiencing depression, that’s a whole other story. that’s worthy of being addressed with the help of others & the compassion of self-grace.
sadness, on the other hand, i think can be helpful to us. i don’t necessarily like being sad. i think it scares me because of my past; it reminds me of that shadow who unwarrantedly moved into & rearranged my heart those years ago. sadness is a different song. us humans are so quick to run from what makes us uncomfortable. if it’s cold outside, we go inside to grab a blanket; if our leftover chipotle isn’t warm enough, we take the time to heat it to perfection; if we have to wait an extra five minutes in traffic, we look for an alternate route. we don’t allow the difficulties in life to teach us their lessons & lend us their wisdom.
there’s this great quote by Thomas Moore in his book Care of the Soul:
“Melancholy gives the soul an opportunity to express a side of its nature that is as valid as any other, but is hidden out of our distaste for its darkness & bitterness”.
Sadness is a part of being human, so why are we so quick to repress & hate it? i strongly believe that every feeling has purpose. what if we invited sadness in, held its hands & said, “teach me what you have to teach”. if we let sadness enter our life with grace, i believe it would thank us by leaving in time with grace. interacting with sadness may be scary, but i think it’s worth the risk to see a new dimension of life. maybe all we will see is the stark contrast between light & darkness, sweetness & bitterness. that in & of itself is beautiful. how much more would i appreciate happiness when i engage with sadness?
there’s this part of a great book by Samuel Johnson called Rasselas. The main character lives in “Happy Valley” where everything is comfortable & safe & provided for. He wants to leave the valley to experience hardship. He talks about hunger– without the contrast of an empty stomach, one would not know the pleasant state of being full. Without sadness, we are in grave danger of forgetting the beauty of laughter. oh how quick we are to forget. i am willing to sit with sadness if only for the taste of happiness to be that much richer & fuller & real.
i don’t know that it’s enough to simply see sadness as a wise teacher. i think we hav
e an obligation to the in-between moments. victor frankl wrote an incredible book: Man’s Search for Meaning. (i’m just now realizing how many books i’ve referenced, but simply put- idgaf) Victor. Incredible human. Survived the atrocities of concentration camps only to write one of the most powerful books of all time. Possibly his most famous quote goes like this:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
We have absolutely no control over the winds of life; our control lies in our response. Life is comprised of these little, seemingly unimportant in-between moments- they’re the glue to our being. Driving in the car with the windows down & taking the time to appreciate the music playing. Slowing down as we eat to focus on the flavor. Waiting after we ask, “How are you” for a genuine response & not accepting easy facades. Not forcing ourselves to “push through” our sadness. Waking up earlier to be the first thing the sun sees as she wakes up. Seeking to understand what we can learn when we’re hurt by others rather than dwelling on what they did or punishing ourselves with ‘what if’ or ‘maybe i’. Little acts of rebellion like skipping classes to spend the day in nature or splurging on that shirt or going somewhere new.
These little decisions determine how we handle sadness & the richness of what we get out of it. The most important decision we have to make is grace on ourselves. One day, you’re at the top of the top of the top of a peak in life.. the next day, you’re in the bottom of a valley– unsure of how you tripped into such a low spot overnight. Meet the valley with breath & grace. Breath & grace. Nothing lasts forever– you have limited time with this sadness, with this specific valley; let them teach you their stories, their wisdom, their songs. In this jagged-edged life, you will inevitably experience these painful emotions, but what varies is what you carry with you on your way out.
As sadness leaves, he leaves something with you. One of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver, describes it as a “box full of darkness”.. she says: “It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift”. Sadness leaves us with this box. We can leave it in the corner of our hearts– a looming ora perpetually lingering over the room. Or. We can unpack it slowly. We have another decision– we can give Sadness something to take as he leaves as well. What do you wish to give him? Maybe it’s that person who left you, maybe it’s guilt, maybe it’s missing someone, maybe it’s mistakes. Give it to him as a gift while he departs. Sadness comes, gives you a gift & takes with him what he himself is. Give it up. Let it go & let it in.
So here i am– in a place of sadness. Confused as to where it came from– but giving it room to simply be. Allowing it to rest & then move on in its journey, parting as old friends. Allow it to move on, friends. It won’t always be this way. There is beauty to be seen, cake to be tasted, people to be celebrated, tears of laughter to be shed, hearts to get to know, valleys to be climbed out of. In the end, you are responsible for your one messy, broken & lovely heart; you are responsible for the lens in which you see this wild life. It’s up to you to cup the face of sadness– to embrace it for all that it is — & say, “i choose to love you anyways”..you are loved, my friend. you are worthy of being happy. you are in a valley, as am i. i’m excited to hear about the rise. so, let’s all be sad little people together- watching P.S. I Love You or Me Before You or listening to all of Noah Gundersen– loving, embracing & maybe even celebrating sadness.
Comments