my favorite F words (on fear & failure)

i use the F word so much.

i wonder if you're anything like me. i'll digress:

i really enjoy trying many things out-- different jobs, books, towns, hobbies, people, countries, etc. i tend to dive deeply & wholly into whatever i'm doing. & inevitably, not every body of water you dive into is going to receive you well.

this can be hard if you're like me, because i invest myself into whatever i'm doing-- whether it's loving another person, picking up crocheting, writing a new song or moving to a new country. i tend to blend the colors of -trying something new out- with -my identity-.. which just creates a weird brownish, orangish color of confusion.

when you allow your curiosity to meet your courage & create action, you get to try out a ton of stuff... but not all of them work out. this can result in a devastating blow & a lot of F bombs.

what have you recently dived into? a relationship which blew up in your face... a new job which ended up being toxic... a move to place that still feels foreign... a boundary in a friendship... a new workout schedule that keeps failing? whatever it is for you, i'm sure your inner voice has played around with the word, "failure".. the first of the F bombs.

i often feel like a failure. so many of the things i've attempted haven't worked out: jobs, college, the man i thought i was going to marry, grand moves, having bangs, lifestyle changes, reading GoT, etc. So much so that i've generated a gut reaction of fear in the face of new opportunities-- whether that be a boy who is interested in me, a new job, a move to a new city, etc.

anytime the exotic call of a new opportunity hits my ears, its melody is muted by the reminder of my failures: "you can't allow yourself to trust a man, he'll just leave you again; you can't pick everything up & move, you'll just be unsatisfied again; you can't enter uncharted territory, you'll just fail again". it is toxic & it often keeps me up at night.

i think us humans use words too flippantly, without knowing their true meaning. since i was calling myself a failure so consistently, i figured i'd look up the definition (i've watched dear ones mispronounce their names in the past & didn't want to do the same).

the definition of failure: a lack of success.

when i get emotional, my defense mechanism is to become incredibly analytical & practical (something i actually highly recommend)... so i listed the areas i've felt i've failed in my life: leaving college/planning my future, my break up, knowing myself, my friendships.

then i realized something: these are all things that are processes. can a person fail in the midst of a process? for example, if you're running a race... can you fail while you're running? of course not. you're still actively doing it. you can't fail at something that hasn't been finished.

so i reassessed them--

leaving college/planning my future: these are options in an ongoing process.

my break up: a process of reframing-- another's capacity (or lack thereof) to love isn't based off of our worthiness of being loved. aka. hurt people hurt people, but that doesn't make us deserving of being hurt.

knowing myself: the most beautiful, brutal journey of all.

my friendships: ongoing actions.

often times, we haven't failed-- we're just not finished.

this is what i recommend to you if you feel weighed down by failures:

1. physically list out the areas you feel you've failed. maybe they're specific, maybe they're conceptual, maybe they're few or countless... just list them out.

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2. feel whatever you need to as you recount them. just notice how you feel, without judgement or interference. let this part take as long as it needs.

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3. then simply become an objective observer. did you truly fail? or. are you still in the midst of it? so much of life is a process of breaking & healing, learning & unlearning. even if it's a literal race you lost or a lover who left you-- are you in the process of understanding what you've learned or how you've grown?

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4. reframe & breathe in grace. this one is huge. for example, i've gone through truly wishing i had never met the guy who broke my heart. but i did. but i discovered alley ways of my soul that i never could have without the grief i went through. was it worth it? not to me, but it's what i've got. fighting the existence of something won't make it go away. it's only through having graceful acceptance of what is that we move on to what could be. & you don't know the power of an arrow until it's unsheathed. likewise, you can't know the extent of your internal strength without struggle. even knowing this, do i still wish i never met him? absolutely. but i accept what has happened & am actively choosing to see sparks of light which i couldn't have seen without the contrast of darkness. what beauty would stars hold without the drapery of night?

sometimes in order to cope with hardships, we have to reframe them-- even if we wish they'd never happened. what has occurred in your life that you're only seeing one-dimensionally? every situation in life has roots that cascade from it-- don't lose your mind obsessing over one dimension of what has happened to you.

i hope that you find that what you're experiencing is not a lack of success, or failure -- it's simply a turn in the path you are still running. keep running.

now onto fear, our second F bomb, something i very much so experience. the background of my computer is a quote by nelson mandela: "May your choices reflect your hopes not your fears".

fear can be a healthy thing, but like everything, in moderation. when fear determines your path, you have given it too much power. part of me is afraid to move to colorado. what if i suck as a ski instructor? what if i don't make any friends? what if i'm just cold 24/7? what if i still feel lost afterwards? my dad taught me one of the best tools i have ever learned: replace the words, 'what if' with 'so what'? the world will still turn on, your favorite movie will still exist, you will figure it out.

bravery isn't living unafraid.. it's understanding the purpose of your fear... & YET choosing for yourself. bravery is saying, "so what?" in the face of your doubts. it's sam leaving the shire-- unsure of anything other than importance of his quest. our quest is to continue on, unencumbered by the shame of our failures and despite the whispers of our fears. our quest is far more important than the unknowns that lurk around it.

we have survived our lives up to now, i am confident we can survive what is to come.

with grace, accept what has happened to make you you, even if you hate it.

be curious of your fear-- but not at the mercy of it.

laugh at the absurdity of it all. life is far too short to be spent without laughter.

be patient with this life & with yourself. i'm on your side. life is a process, trust it.