Please stay.
Those two words strung together create the most beautiful, genuine, difficult plea I've ever heard. To this day, if I say them out loud, I tear up. If you know me, you know I'm incredibly passionate about mental illness, self harm, addiction & suicide awareness.
The day I'm writing this, September 10th, is suicide awareness & prevention day. Suicide/mental illness/everything that goes along with it can be a difficult conversation, but it deserves to be a conversation.
Last year, I wrote to three groups of people: those who yearn to understand suicide, those who have attempted & those considering attempting. (you can find my first post on suicide here: https://www.thelionhearts.org/please-stay-on-suicide )If you're in one of those groups, feel free to check that out. It was a difficult one for me to write, but to this day, it's my top 3 favorite things I've written because so much of my heart is drenched in each word. Today, I'm not going to talk about what considering/attempting/surviving suicide feels like. As I was thinking about what I'd write about to commemorate today, I was afraid I'd mess up. I was afraid I wouldn't say something powerful enough, transparent enough, honest enough, inspiring enough. Lies know your deepest passions too. So, today I want to write about something a little different: the reasons I'm glad I chose to stay.
I'm pretty open when it comes to my journey with suicide/depression/mental illness. I think that it's wrong that people feel they cannot be. That is a lie. Let me just say this really fast: if you struggle with a mental illness, you are not wrong. You are not fragile. You are not crazy. You have an illness, just like someone with diabetes has an illness. Your struggles are valid, real & worthy of being seen.
Second thing I want to say really fast: you are not your illness. Something that breaks my heart is when I hear someone identify themselves as their mental illness. For example, "I am bipolar; I am schizophrenic" etc.. You are not your illness. You may have bipolar or you may have an anxiety disorder or you may have DID or you may have an eating disorder. You are not your illness any more than someone who has a physical ailment is their ailment. If I had cancer, I wouldn't say, "I am cancer".. or "I am diabetes". Of course not.. because it's something that happened to you-- not something you are. Retrain yourself to see your illness as something you have.. not something you are. Sorry that was a long side note.
So yes-- this post is dedicated to the reasons I'm thankful I stayed. My senior year of high school, I attempted suicide twice.. so it's quite fitting I'm writing this my senior year of college (phew-- scariest part over). Again, if you feel you don't understand suicide, please check out my first post or contact me-- I'd love to talk with you about it, but this post isn't dedicated to the darkness of suicide. This post is dedicated to the reasons worth staying. I'm trying this whole 'having my life organized' thing, so let's do this in bullet format, shall we?
1. for the music undiscovered, the books yet to be read & the thoughts yet to be found
here's something huge I realized a while after I decided to stay: there is so much more. Within the little things-- new artists, finding new meanings in old books, filling journals with thoughts you never knew you could fathom. There is a refrain my soul revisits each time I feel a shadow approaching: there is more, there is more, there is more. There is always something new awaiting us. Life is constantly working to dazzle us. Her wonder lies within the melodies, the hidden messages of Thoreau, Sylvia Plath, Cummings. Life had so much more to offer me. When I was backpacking through Europe this summer, my brother told me he hoped "I found answers to questions I never knew existed". There are questions out there waiting for us to stumble upon simply by continuing on our camino. I have found songs I blast in Brody (my jeep) that often keep my sanity in tact, entire worlds between the covers of dusty books that allow me to leave my own for a while & discovered new terrains within myself that I have just begun to explore. All because of that sweet song I learned the tune to when I decided to stay: There is more, there is more, there is more.
2. for the tears of laughter yet to be shed
I adore laughter. I swear that making someone laugh literally adds years to my life. I think it's part of the reason I'm here. Truly, one of the main reasons I'm thankful I stayed is simply for every single time I've laughed or made someone else laugh. You can't focus on anything else when you're caught up in a laugh which demands all of you. The times my dad has made me cry laughing, the times I've made Shan laugh until she's cried, the times I've laughed alone. This reason may be shorter, but it might be one of the most impactful for me.
3. for the love you have not felt & you have not given
staying has taught me many things. Two of the larger lessons: I have the capacity to be loved, & the love I give is needed. There's depths of love I had no clue existed. I'm sure I'll say the same thing 4 more years from now. Have you ever truly been seen? I hadn't. Being seen fully changes you. Being seen fully & then loved fully shatters you into something new. I didn't know love when I was 17. I knew pieces of it-- some pieces were beautiful, other pieces were ugly, painful & untrue. I've met love three times so far. The first time is when I met Jesus, the second is when me & my dad built a better relationship, the third was in the streets of Barcelona. Each time, I've learned something new.
Each time, I have felt the epitome of what it means to be alive. Each time, I have been overcome with thankfulness at what I could have missed out on. At 17, I didn't know I could be loved. I didn't know I could be seen & cherished. I also didn't know that the love I give-- specifically mine-- is needed in this world. There are times in life when my friends desperately need my love (as I often desperately need theirs). My family needs me in ways I never knew. The stranger I bought a cookie for because tears were scarred into his cheeks needed my love specifically on that Wednesday morning. Your love-- your love individually-- is so needed in this dim world. My god-- how it breaks me to see a light lost & the world dimmed a little more. We have the great, often terrible, wondrous capacity for being loved & giving love. My heart will never, ever find a language that expresses the depth of gratitude I have to those who have retaught me love-- gently, patiently, wildly & faithfully.You are the reasons I am able to love. You are the reasons I'm here.
4. for the plane ticket you have not bought
there. is. so. much. world. out. there. We haven't scratched the surface of it. Thousands of corners are waiting for you to decide left or right. Cobble stone streets quietly wait for your explorative march. Hidden biker bars in Berlin have tabs open for you. Mountains in Germany broaden their shoulders, anticipating your arrival. Coffee shops in Madrid have their doors left open. There are stories out there begging to be heard. There are people whose eyes are novels-- whose hands are paragraphs-- whose laughter are sonatas-- whose pain is poetry-- whose history is a museum. They are waiting for you. They are waiting for me. I've tasted it. I ache at the very thought of having not experienced travel-- to never have gotten lost in countries I speak two words of their language, to never have had stayed up until 6 am talking about the beauty of being alive with people I'd met that day, to never have had been terrified, to never have met him, to never have spent the day in an Italian ER, to never have had touched the pyramids & felt wonder, to never have watched the sun set over Barcelona. There is so much more than your warm bed. There is a world that is a question you had never dreamt of asking. Stay. Buy the damn ticket. Be astounded.
5. for yourself
this one's important. They're all important, but this one is especially important. One of the reasons I'm thankful I stayed is for me. It may sound selfish, but that's okay. Deciding to stay was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. It meant I faced the reality that it wouldn't get easier, but that I would choose life everyday. I would choose the joy, the chocolate cake, the smell of espresso, the hope, the friends, the pizza... I would choose the heartache, the stubbed toes, the abandonment, the betrayals, the sadness, the hope. I would look all of life in the face-- all of her heart-wrenching beauty in the face-- & still say, "I love you & I choose you". Every day we wake up, we choose life. We give life the ability to throw us east or west. Love doesn't mean enjoyment all of the time. At times, I hate life. Living can be treacherous, painful, unfair or just boring. But loving Life means choosing her again & again. & that is something I did for myself. Not for my loved ones, or for shame, or for my church, or for whatever else. Choosing Life everyday is something I decided to do for me. I'm thankful I stayed for all of those reasons up there-- they're all reasons I did stay, but I chose to stay for myself, too. Doing things to please another person or institution or emotion will only carry you so far .. until you finally look up & realize you've landed in bitterness.
My friend, living is brutal. I will never degrade the pain of being alive. I understand that, if you're in a place of considering suicide, my words may feel as distant as choosing life feels. Please, please don't let that discourage you. I was in the same exact place. Anytime someone spoke about how much they loved life, I felt even less of a human & more of a mass of shadow just working to take in air. Here's the thing: I don't love life because she's been good to me. I haven't had the easiest go at it, actually. I love life because she has a lot more to offer than this. As eternal as it feels, I promise you-- with all that I am-- that this will pass. It always, always passes. You are not alone in how you feel. You have a story that is needed. You have love within you that only you can offer this world. 4 years ago, I never would have dreamed I could ever write about why I'm thankful I decided to stay. But that's how life works: Wonderfully, all at once, painfully, unpredictably, beautifully. There is more, there is more, there is more. here's the link to my first post explaining more of suicide: https://www.thelionhearts.org/please-stay-on-suicide
If you are considering suicide, please feel welcomed to contact me.
My phone number is 660-441-3048 or you can Facebook me (Brie Monetti).
You can also text “GO” to 741-741. It’s completely confidential.
Or you can call 1-800-273-8255 at anytime.
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