if you told me 6 months ago that i would be where i am, i would've slapped you.
talk about a fun introductory sentence.
but really. i would've been offended:
a college drop out left broken hearted living with her parents in her hometown in missouri-- unsure of pretty much everything except for the fact that i am not where i ever wanted to be.
six months ago, i was sure. of my beliefs, of my job, of my home, of my relationships, of my future-- where i was going & who with. most importantly, who with. my strides varied in length from time to time, but they were pretty confident strides.
there were paths very dear ones told me i could confidently walk on-- only to find out they were those stepping stones from Indiana Jones... Ya know, the ones that drop you into a pit of death? haha yeah, those! v fun.
fast forward a few very unfortunate & difficult months & here we are.
life was a teeter totter for me... but one where a 760 pound blob of "let's wreck everything that's remotely stable & good" decided to jump with all its might on one end-- sending me flailing. searching for something- anything- that looked like solid ground.
& boy did i flail. & drank while flailing.
i don't want to spill on the deats of what happened- the anguish of being left by someone you trusted with your entire self- the events that forced me to leave my home & leave college overnight (literally)- how i couldn't explain my leaving to anyone & had to accept that people might think of me certain ways. let's just conclude them all in two words: not gr8. but this post isn't dedicated to him. or to those events. or to hurt. or to being misunderstood. this post is for me. & for you. & for one very, very important task we have in this life: to continue
i think it might be one of the most important words in the english language.
definition of continue: "persist in an activity or process; recommence or resume after interruption."
i was interrupted. my mojo was emptied, & i was left quite barren. i was zoolander after the walk off with Hansel. my dr. who "hoper of far-flung hopes, and dreamer of improbable dreams" painting laughed at me from my childhood bedroom wall as i tried to fall asleep. i thought of a 14 year old Brie painting that.. so fully of hope & belief in myself.
i had grown accustom to feeling like a failure. feeling pathetic. feeling far from the ground. feeling rejected.
my loss of direction started to define how much i drank, how many times i told my family i loved them, how i saw my reflection, how many throwback T-swift songs i listened to on my commutes-- crying out & shaking my fists to the relationship gods.
uncertainty leads you down strange roads. passivity can steer you more than i think we give it credit.
Cheryl Strayed wrote that "acceptance is a small, quiet room".
i walked right past that room for a hot minute. until the walls in the house i was living in began breaking down-- all that was left was this small quiet room.
i have to accept my situation as my reality.
i recently started on my private pilot's license. when you fly, you can't lose your cool. you have this moment of: holy crap. i am flying this plane & it's up to me to direct & control it or i will probs die.
it's a lot like that in life-- especially when you don't love where you are. without our hands interfering with the way of things, life cascades. we have to make it continue.
this act of continuance has made me thankful for the events that have halted me: sometimes it's only through the uprooting of tragedy that we can discover strength.
life doesn't waste . a lot of my friends told me after being heartbroken that "everything happens for a reason". i think that's bull. i don't believe everything happens for a reason.
i believe shit happens. & often shit happens to people who don't deserve it. i think life can be brutal, sharp & plain senseless with how it hurls hardships & rainy days at us.
but. i believe life does not waste.
something weird happens when the thing you were most afraid of happening happens. when your greatest fear in the world unravels & becomes reality, something strange happens: you become fearless.
the worst case happened. & against what you thought previously-- you survived.
i never thought i could survive my biggest fear. but here i am-- continuing on.
life doesn't waste...
fear becomes courage.
abandonment teaches us how to stay.
pain show us how to heal gracefully.
heartache gifts us perspective.
disappointment uncovers standards.
being wronged explains the importance of a promise.
no. i don't believe the hardships that led me here happened for a divine reason beyond my comprehension.
no. i don't believe there's a greater story that required the pain many people have to endure every day to happen.
i just believe life is hard & forces us to respond.
but i do believe the universe has a remarkable way of recycling experience to create wisdom.
so i took the flight controls back from fear & self pity
i stopped asking why my love wasn't enough to make him stay.
i stopped comparing my mind to others.
i stopped believing i was a failure because i chose a different path for my life.
i jolted myself from that passive pit & continued.
with the aid of many podcasts, yoga, meditation, boxing (gals, i recommend it), friends & most importantly-- action.
i gave my heart the time & space it needed to process & feel fully. then i stopped giving it my time. time is precious. things that have hurt us don't deserve our precious time any more than what they have already taken.
i asked myself what i wanted.
after all this friend, what do you want? (insert the Notebook gif here)
i identified it clearly for myself-- which i recommend for you as well.
a plan for your future helps heal the pain of your past.
i yearn for travel & experience more than anything right now. so i geared myself towards that. it became the mantra of my continuance. i invested my time in it.
anytime my mind strayed towards what has caused me hurt, i guided it to actively changing where i am.
sometimes it's the only way to continue on-- leaving what has left us behind.
i had this moment before i pressed the "purchase" button for my one way ticket to the domincan republic...
i walked through all of the events that led me here: the beautiful moments which arrested my senses, the fears that held my breath, the despair that stole my vision, the healing that showed me the necessity of the ground. i walked back through it all patiently & for the first time, i was thankful.
i repeated to myself: this world does not waste.
my fear has made me brave. my insecurity has made me sure.
the last time i had bought a ticket was an eager attempt to save something that had already left. desperate & uncertain & insecure.
now i am emptied & brave & free. i confidently pressed "confirm ticket" & closed my computer. deleted some more photos i had been holding with whitened knuckles.
committed to a wild path of continuance.
how we walk varies. our strides look different.
but that's not what matters. what matters is that it's our path.
it's true & it's necessary.
& it goes ever on.
all my love, friends.
cheers to your road-- i hope our paths cross.
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