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take your shoes off, we're all dying anyways

Updated: Sep 26, 2018

(best when accompanied by the song "featherstone " by paper kites)

if you've clicked your way here, there's a few options:

- you shop at hot topic & agree with the title & your parents just don't get it XD

-you're worried about me

-you just realized you might be dying


regardless, i'm glad you made it. buckle in friends, because this one's killer (lol). now let's talk about our inevitable doom.


recently, a life event took place that caused a pain i didn't know existed to rupture from somewhere deep & quiet within me. it's funny how volcanoes are silent mountains until they shatter open & all that fire pours out. that's how i view what's happened in my life.


i'm not here to talk about what happened or the hurt it's caused or sugar coat pain with the inspiration i've scrounged buried beneath it. i'm here to talk about what the strongest emotion i've ever felt, grief, has taught me: i need to care less.


this might come off as worrisome or negative or angsty, but hey what words did you think would follow a post entitled, "we're all dying"? don't worry, i'll digress.


we give so many things ALL of us:

my anxiety towards that interview? here, take all of my energy.

anger towards a job i dislike? let me give you everything.

hurt from another? i am defined by this.

living somewhere i hate? tell me what to do today.

someone did something that annoyed me? i dedicate all of my words for the next 20minutes to you and you alone.

money instability? go ahead, name me.


let me remind you (& myself) of something: you have one name.


your job, your friends, your partner, your circumstance, the weather, money, the political climate, that date coming up does not name you. as soon as we allow external things through the cracks and crevices of who we are, we give them this weird permission to name us. now i'm not brie--- i'm Anxious. i'm Hurt. i'm Rejection. i'm Victim. i'm Grief.



the externals of this life cannot touch the inner pieces of us without permission. only you control your name and what others call you.


so... how does this whole macabre title tie into this?


i was going on two days without sleep, nursing a hangover (which i got by drinking a bottle of wine alone) and a mild concussion on an empty stomach, feeling the ache of resolution when i had this moment of clarity: i'm not getting any more time here.


i don't get more time as the days pass. in other words, i'm dying-- -my time to do anything is dying. if that's the case (& i have yet to find any way it's not), why am i spending days without calling myself by my name?


there will never be enough money. there will always be good people who do bad things & bad people who do good things. there will always be an undesirable situation. but there will never be more time.


now i'm not saying to not feel what you need to feel. just the opposite, actually. i needed to feel my chest being cracked open & the weight of grief in each breath & just be in it until it left. sometimes i need to feel deep seated anger. sometimes i need to feel gratitude. sometimes i need to just freaking laugh for who knows what reason.


it is so important to feel what you need when you need to. feel it fully. in all of its fury, glory, and whatever else it brings to the party. your mind doesn't give you emotions without reason. if you don't process the emotion when your brain gives it to you, it takes a bit of your name away.


slowly, slowly, slowly does numbness steal our name.

then, all of a sudden, the people who know you & love you most don't know what to call you or how to interact with this imposter in your skin.


one of my all time favorite quotes comes from this guy, Jomny Sun, from his book, "everyone's an aliebn when ur a aliebn too":


similarly, things are bad. they're actually often pretty bad. but it's the life we've got & the circumstance we have. instead of spending our precious time trying to change the unchangeable or allowing the unchangeable to change us-- accept it, take your shoes off & bounce in the bouncy castle.


this is the terribly lovely duality of being alive. let it inspire you, rather than break you. let it allow you to take chances and not live so uptight-ly. let it mold your perspective. let it remind you of your one, true name. care a little less.


fight it with your name-- with who you are. let me tell ya something:

you are strong. you are worth being seen & heard, regardless of size, gender, color, height, love, belief, money, another person's selfishness, whatever else. you are deserving of love. you are worth being chosen. you (& you alone) have pieces of the puzzle to add that no one else could. you are the only person who can name you.


move. leave. or return. quit. apply. get that haircut. cry or laugh or both at the same time. buy a journal. travel (for heaven's sake please travel). hug someone. take care of your body. do something drastic or something small. but do something. you are able.


'wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart'

& there's a whole freaking bouncy castle kingdom waiting for you.

so take your damn shoes off, fellow wayfarers. we're all dying anyways *shrug*





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