I have absolutely been putting off writing this. 

Maybe it's because I'm not quite ready to admit this summer ended-- the days dedicated to wandering, the only deadlines being catching a flight, the moments spent making music with voices from all corners of the globe. 

 

As of today, I've officially been back in the states the same amount of time I spent backpacking. I think I've been pushing finishing the Backpack Series up far away, because it means putting a period at the end of the sentence which was the greatest two months of my life. I still have a few cities to write about, but I think it's time for me to process the trip in its entirety. 

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This summer was the most challenging, raw, spectacular, difficult summer of my life. I have never connected so deeply with my own humanness. So many moments of this summer demanded my breath, took me by the hand & walked down the winding streets of Barcelona, sharp corners of London, mysterious alleys of Venice (jk.. the ERs of Venice). This summer asked for all of me. I couldn't be partially present-- Life asked if all of me would be willing to witness her. I think that might be the greatest lesson I learned. Out of all the fun facts, harsh realities, life altering thoughts-- I think this is the greatest: To let Life have all of you. 

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It is fair, valid, safe and understandable to keep pieces of yourself hidden under the creeky floorboards of your heart. You can. You are allowed to. I did for 21 years. It's safe there & comfortable & air-conditioned & constant & the same. Its greatest strength is also its greatest fault: it is safe. 

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We were not born against the most obscene odds to be safe. You were not born to be safe. You were born to swim with all of your might to the surface of yourself & gasp in the painfully life-giving air of experience. You were made to struggle upwards, feeling your muscles strain, ache & give way, until you reach the wake of yourself. You were not born to be safe. You were made to surrender your control and fear to the currents of Life: whatever they may be. 

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This life is unbelievable. I still cannot fathom all that it holds. The more of it you see, the more you realize you have seen none of it. There's underground vintage markets, street musicians, food which rapture your senses, forests which make you believe in magic again, ancient book stores cloaked in wisdom, derailing trains, castle walls, delicious beer, streets to lose yourself in, art which acts as time machines, hearts to seek & your own heart to truly meet. There will always be more on this greenish blueish floating speck.

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I urge you to let Life dazzle you. Let it into your weaponry, let it into your strengths & into your weaknesses, into your doubts & insecurities, into your passions & dreams. Give Life the room to do what Life does: change you. Don't allow the fear of losing who you are deter you from breathing in all of Life. Truth will always win: whether it be the Truth of who you are, the Truth of what Love is, the Truth of who your mom is, etc. You cannot lose Truth, because Truth does not depend on you. 

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So, allow Life to affect you. Allow it to overcome the numbness you protect yourself with. Allow it to be incredible enough to silence you with wonder. Life isn't just backpacking europe alone for the summer.

I thought I had to travel countries to be a part of Life.

but life is happening now, too. 

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Life is also driving to get coffee with the windows down & feeling the affect of the wind in your hair-- hearing the guitar in the song playing-- seeing the spotlight of the Sun fall on the thankful trees performing around you. 

Life is also being swallowed up by stress & bellowed by student loans & health problems & still saying, "There is beauty even in this.. there is beauty within the thorns".

Life is making art.

Life is dropping off flowers to a friend you know is hurting.

Life is feeling complete on your own. 

Life is being willing to let another person build on & improve the foundation you've built.

Life is being a hurting, broken, confused mess & still seeing yourself as worthy, capable & strong.

Life is allowing another human being to love you-- unguarded, vulnerably, wholly.. fears & all. 

Life is choosing the other person over yourself: in anger, in doubt, in insecurity.  

Life is coming home to a sink full of dishes, an unmade bed, an overflowing garbage & deciding to first sit down with your family, ask how their day was & laugh. 

Life is buying yourself a pizza after a hard day. 

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Life is looking at both the mundane & the extraordinary in the eyes & saying, "Teach me everything you have to teach me" and keeping your hands open the entire time. Give the mundane & the extraordinary your entire self; refuse to be partial. Give Life the permission to shake you. 

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This summer, I promised Life that I would be fully willing. When I came back to the states, I was completely rocked. I was back at ground level. It was painful & beautiful. I relearned myself-- truthfully, vulnerably & fully. This summer, I fell in love in Barcelona, & I still cannot believe that the most unbelievable story I could ever tell is mine & Erik's... Only because I allowed myself to be open to the single most terrifying thing in the universe to me: giving someone the power to leave me.. & choosing to still let him have the best & worst parts of me. This summer, I gave myself permission to be curious- curious of the beliefs I had formed, the lies I had been taught, the pain I had endured, the love I had given. 

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Friend, I hope you give yourself permission & grace. Give yourself permission & grace to be wrong, to be right, to be in love, to be alone, to be sure of your faith, to be unsure of anything, to be what you need to be. Then-- I hope you let Life have all of you. I hope you give Life the dream you hold so dear to you that you don't even voice. I hope you give Life the insecurity that has slowly become a wildfire within you. I hope you give Life your capacity to love. I hope you give Life everything. It's the only way I've found to be a part of the Wild dance of being alive. 

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Have you always wanted to go to Brazil? Go.

Have you been waiting to tell that person how you feel? Do it.

Have you wanted to get back in shape? Start right after you read this.

Whether you're traveling the world, coming to terms with pain, trynna graduate college (hey waddup party ppl), raising a kid, lost on the next step: Give yourself permission to surrender to the unknown of Life. It will never, ever disappoint. It's not in Life's nature.

Life is happening in this moment. & it's been begging us to join.

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I want to thank every person I met while traveling-- you each had a unique role, whether we learned each other's names or not. My heart is still looking for the words to sing that match the melody of thankfulness it has. 

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Nico: Thank you for starting my trip off reminding me that I am loved.

Harry: Thank you for seeing me for who I am.
Elena: Thank you for the freaking delicious burger.

Sam, Harry & Niko: Thank you for the birthday beer & shots(s).

Collena: Thank you for your laugh-- it changes people.

Jonah: Thank you for showing me that music isn't confined to sound.

ER doctors of Venice: you can do better.
Mom & dad: Thank you for believing in me & in the importance of adventure.

Antonio: Thank you for teaching me that love is an act before it is a word.

Erik: Thank you for letting me help you make sandwiches (& happy anniversary).

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I recorded a second a (most) day.

Feel free to watch the video.

(more photos to come)

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Until next time.

Further up & Further in,

Brie

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